How can I overcome the fear of being visible?

I hear these questions again and again from women who come to me. And behind all of them there’s almost always the same deep fear: the fear of truly being seen.

To understand where this fear comes from, it helps to look at the connection between visibility and shame.

What we learned early on in order to be loved

As children we all learned what we had to do to be seen and loved. We often carry these adaptations from back then into today.

If I learned, for example, “I always have to be good to be loved”, then visibility feels like a contradiction. Because visibility asks more of you.

Visibility means growth

Visibility often means growing beyond yourself once more. If you want to become visible with your business, you show not only your expertise but also your leadership. You say: “Yes, I’m the woman who is right for your questions. And my work is really good.”

Most of us grew up with sayings like “don’t blow your own trumpet”. So the first step is to allow yourself this: to see your own worth and then relax into it.

Visibility begins with permission to see your own worth.

Why shame comes up when you show yourself

When it comes to visibility, shame often comes up. Shame is basically a protective mechanism, and a very old one. We used to live in groups. Leaving your own tribe could be life-threatening.

Our nervous system doesn’t distinguish whether we’re being cast out of the group or whether someone around us doesn’t like our post. So shame switches on as protection and says: “Stop, careful, this could be dangerous for you.”

That’s a completely normal reaction. It just looks different for everyone. It depends on

• –how you lived as a child
• –what you may have experienced
• –how strategically secure you feel in your business
• –how secure you feel in your message
• –how much you stand behind what you offer
• –how much it truly comes from within you

Why there’s never just one solution

That’s why I would never recommend just one thing or the other. We look at everything together.

If I’m selling a product that doesn’t yet create much value for people, I may feel ashamed to go out with it. Then we work strategically on improving the offer.

If you experienced a lot as a child, such as bullying or very strong adaptation, you may first need to work through that, so that afterwards you can bring your wonderful offers into the world.

The trap: hiding behind your expertise

What many do instead: they hide behind their expertise. They pile up more and more knowledge, and all of it builds up. At some point they become visible with that expertise, but not with what really makes them who they are.

Real visibility happens where you show yourself with your personality, your stance and your voice. And not just with your knowledge.